Conviction. I’ve been thinking about this word a lot lately. I don’t know about you, and perhaps it is another occupational hazard, but I get a little obsessed with words. I go through little word-phases, I guess you could call them, when a word gets stuck in my brain and I find myself repeating it over and over in my head, saying it out loud to taste the sound of it, muttering it uselessly to myself in the shower. I guess Conviction is a stick-in-your-head kind of word given its meaning which the good old Merriem-Webster describes it as:
con·vic·tion noun \kən-ˈvik-shən\
a strong persuasion or belief
the state of being convinced
Conviction. A solid sounding word, full of satisfying consonants and firm ending. To say conviction is relatively easy. To have conviction…not always so trouble free.
This past week has been my first with childcare all sorted out. That’s three days a week, in case you were wondering, for pure undiluted writing time. I know what you’re thinking (lucky b*$gger!) and yes, it is amazing (adj. meaning startingly impressive). I get so excited about having so much actual, dedicated writing time that I pack my bag and lay out my clothes the night before like a kid preparing for Christmas / sleepover / birthday party. I tidy and write notes and get things orderly. I actually – this is a little embarassing – sometimes have trouble sleeping. Someone in love with their job, much? Conviction!
Morning rolls around. B1 is regularly sleeping in our bed and B2 sleeps irregularly and chaoticly (adj. meaning completely unordered and unpredictable and confusing), so I can’t say I jump out of bed, but let’s just say I am pretty pumped in a groggy, leaden legs kind of way. This is my writing time! Conviction!
Then, childcare. I have great childcare. I have a part-time nanny who is the bees-freakin’-knees and brings stickers and plastic animals and sparkly handbags for the girls to play with. I have a brief moment getting distracted by the awesome purple plastic octopus she has brought with her and then remember I have the best job in the world and pick up my bags. This is when Conviction fails me. B2 clings to my legs like I am the last life-raft on the Titanic, B1 sucks her thumb, her wide eyes full of tears. Conviction makes his exit. It gets worse. B2 starts screaming, B1 is sobbing with wet trails of tears sliding off her chin. I have to prize B2 from me as if she were that purple octopus and I were her favourite rock. C’mon Conviction, where’d you go? The noise intensifies. I give falsely cheerful goodbyes and blow kisses, promising to be back soon, whilst quickly shutting doors, desperate wailing following me. Oh, Conviction. You vanishing bastard.
I know I am not the only parent to struggle with Conviction. I know I am in very good company in that regard. I’m very, very lucky to have two days (+weekends) with my kids as well as three days without them and have a wonderful nanny and have the best job in the whole universe. If my Conviction falters then I can only imagine the Conviction-evaporating-heartache that others go through. And Conviction is definitely not a parents-only dilemma. Conviction seriously fails me when I get a bad review or when my publisher dislikes a large element of my work. Or when I’m just plain tired. Sometimes it’s when my inner voice gives me a bad rap – “Did you just write that?! Ho ho! You totally suck!”. Worst of all, Conviction fails me when I do that dreadful thing I shouldn’t do – compare my life to someone’s else’s. I notice someone happier, thinner and better in some way and suddenly wonder if I have the formula utterly all wrong.
I’d like to propose a remedy at this point, some sage but simple advice that cures all conviction-disappearance from now till the end of time. For the moments when your baby girl is suctioned on to you like an emotional limpet or when you’ve been told it’s not quite good enough. The times when you feel a little like a discarded plastic bag – that you’re talentless or uninteresting or sort of “in the way”. Something buoying for when you glance over at someone else’s lot and tell yourself they’ve got it sorted while your life is a disorderly mess. I’d like to make it all better. Come back Conviction, I’m sorry I called you a bastard.
But I’m afraid I don’t have anything in my bag of tricks. I’m still figuring it out. In fact, I am hoping you might have tips for me. Something that has worked for you when the going got tough and Conviction got going. Something that filled you with strength. What was it? What worked? What didn’t work? I hereby open a Conviction Discussion Forum and request your answers to the age-old dilemma – How to remain Convinced?
ad·vice /ədˈvīs/
Guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative.
HUGS, Hannah x
Conviction – that’s a good word. I’m still trying to get a hold of that word. Let me just make you feel better – it doesn’t get any easier when the kids are older, there just gets to be more going on. There, bet that helped, right? Joking aside, my only solution I’ve found is to take one moment at a time. It’s hard and I have to remind myself over and over again. Whatever is happening at that moment, that is what I try to deal with and not think about anything else. It works when I can actually make my mind stay in that zone. And talking things out, usually to my husband.
I remain convinced that when I am at my strongest and having my clearest moments, the ones where I think I can conquer the world, that this is my truest version of myself and my ability. The rest is about trusting the fleeting thoughts and those few moments of conviction. And having some amazing people that remind you of your inner strength when you need it the most, without even asking.
Thanks Anne….I think?! 😉 I agree – staying in the moment and worrying only about what is in IT, is the best way to be.
And yes, Alex, I agree – the strong, CONVINCED moments – those are the “true me” and you’ve got to use the power when you got it. And when you don’t – call a friend. Or write a blog post and have your friends comment on it. Because they rock. H x
Conviction….I often find it gets poisoned and morphs into “abandonment” especially when you put it in that example. Every time I drop off the kids (even though I’ve done this now for the past 2 years 3 days a week), I feel that conviction that this is a great thing. That what I am doing is a great opportunity for them, but also a great opportunity for me to get back to what I love to do. And then creeps the guilt that I am in fact “abandoning” them with every quiver of a lip or tear or cry. It keeps us honest, and you’re right to just keep going. That’s how this blog entry has got me feeling anyway 🙂 I may have missed the point as I read on and see that it continues into the loss of Conviction with each bad review, the feeling of a discarded plastic bag. I see this at odds with your first example. You lose conviction because you cannot leave your dear sweet darlings that have both physically and emotionally suctioned themselves to you, yet feel discarded with the loss of conviction from a bad review. I say that the loss of the latter in fact should lend conviction to the former scenario. As for bad reviews, hell, you are a real, authentic, published author. Kudos and to hell with those reviews 🙂
I don’t think we can remain convinced. I don’t know a single writer (granted, I don’t know them all) who doesn’t become convinced they are terrible at writing at some point. I think we need to work at managing the ups and downs of flagging conviction–damage control, if you will. That’s what friends are for! And chocolate!
Love the honesty in this post.
I ended with many thoughts after reading your thoughtful article. My first was ‘Criminal Conviction’ – and I immediately didn’t warm to the word you were putting in such bright light. I guess that just puts it into a different kind of perspective for me. Thank-you for that! What happens if we say that your version of conviction is mine and vice verca? Or what if we say that we can have low levels or high levels of the intensity of conviction – but that the only unacceptable version is a criminal conviction? A low level might be that you are driven in your mind -but just haven’t done anything about it yet. Your highest level might be that you completed the task beyond expectations. You’re no crim – therefore I think your conviction will be just fine!
Hi Dionne! I think of the situations as the same because they lead me to immediately think ‘Is this worth it?’, which then becomes an internal debate about whether I am good enough and whether my time would be better spent at home instead of plugging away on my writing which may or may not be ‘worth it’!
So right Ria, we are all in the same boat, offering each other buoyancy vests, an oar or a sustaining block of chocolate, as required 🙂 Thank God for boat-mates! Mums, writers, friends and the rest x x x
To quote a great mariner/sage, “I amsk what am, and that’s all that I am… “. Toot, toot.
So accurate Hannah. I found myself asking Alan the very same question last night. Is this worth it. Am I shirking my duties as being loving, doting (crazy, uptight) mom, giving up that privilege of watching my children grow up every minute of every day? Am I gallivanting off to work with no regard to the pain and suffering the boys must be feeling? But I love my work. And the boys always have the biggest smiles when we peek in, not letting them see that we are spying on them. Well, sorry for the tangent, thank you for sharing Hannah and for indulging me. Hope I didn’t miss the point too much 😉 can you tell I’m not a writer and seem to live in a different world.
So cool to hear someone else say ‘I love my work’! Work lovers unite! Pretty lucky to be torn between two great ‘jobs’ aren’t we?
As for ‘getting it’ – you totally get it, Dionne! No wrong answers here at Fork and Fiction! Just good discussion….mainly about food and books and that crazy thing called…Life x x x